Some time ago, I learned of the death of a man who I knew socially. We were not close, and I knew little about him, yet there was an endearing connection in our brief interactions. He was the kind of person whose eyes sparkled when he talked, and who brought his heart and humor to every interaction. Each time I saw him, my whole world lit up and somehow the hard things in life just seemed a little easier in that moment.
I regularly encountered him while out on errands, and he always had time to talk about the important and sometimes intriguing things in life, like how to store carrots from the garden so they lasted longer in the winter, or how wonderful his wife was and how lucky he was to have found her. We talked and mused about the heated politics of the organizations in our little town. He always left me with a smile on my face and a warm feeling in my heart. I can only hope he felt the same way.
Recently, I learned that he chose to end his life. That news broke my heart and made his absence in this world even harder. It came 1.5 years after the life shattering news that my nephew Conor, a hilarious, spirited, beautiful, larger-than-life, sensitive man chose to end his life.
Did you know, in 2022…
48,183 people died by suicide
There were 1.7 million suicide attempts
Men died by suicide almost 4 times more than women
The rate of suicide is highest in middle-aged adult men
White males accounted for 70% of suicide deaths
Shame
Shame is like a heavy, wet blanket that our societal expectations put on both men and women, in different ways. It can paralyze and silence us.
In her video, Listening to Shame, Brené Brown perfectly depicts how, for men, shame is based on one main thing. DO NOT BE PERCEIVED AS WEAK. The entire video is great, and the information I’m talking about for men is at minute 16:26. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0&list=RDLViCvmsMzlF7o&index=2
How many men out there have heard the following?
You’re not hurt. You’re fine.
Get up and shake it off.
Don’t be a pussy. / Don’t be a bitch.
Grow up.
Real men don’t cry.
Grow a pair.
And how many men have said the following to themselves?
I can’t show my emotions. I’ll get laughed at, beat up, shamed, rejected, abandoned…
This hurts like hell, but I can’t tell anyone because I’ll look weak.
There’s NO ONE I could possibly talk to about this. They’d think I was a joke.
No one I know is feeling like this. I shouldn’t be feeling it either.
I have mental health issues/anxiety/depression and I need help, but I don’t want to be seen as crazy.
This isn’t as big of a deal as I’m making it.
It’s fine. I’m fine.
And how many men out there have done the following instead of feeling:
Laughed it off
Shook it off
Buried it
Willed the tears not to come
Used drugs, alcohol, or substances to numb it
Got a tattoo
Bought new things
Ate too much
Worked out harder
Ran faster
Exploded because anger is more socially acceptance than weakness
Pushed your feelings off on others, instead of feeling them yourself
Hurt yourself on purpose
Highly Sensitive People
Life can impact highly sensitive people in very different ways than those with less sensitive systems. Some of the indicators of possible high sensitivity include: noticing things that others miss, feeling a deeper impact from harsh words, having more difficulty and discomfort dealing with conflict, feeling misunderstood, having difficulty with change, being more sensitive to pain, being bothered by uncomfortable clothing, being more sensitive to sudden loud noises and feeling the need to withdraw often.
My beautiful nephew, Conor, ended his own life in October of 2019. I wonder how many people in my nephew’s life knew he was highly sensitive. I wonder if HE knew. I will be bringing more information on the topic to my blogs and website, because if we don’t know we’re highly sensitive, we may think we should be different than we are, that we’re doing it wrong, or that we’re weak. Really, we are amazing humans with different operating systems and instructions than other people in our lives may have.
Women…
We want our men to be our strong and fearless caretakers. In fact, at times, men NEED to feel like our strong and fearless caretakers. But women, in the context of a healthy and safe relationship, can you give men a safe space to be weak? Can you let them know that you will support them in their vulnerability and authenticity?
Men…
Our world is changing. It has to.
If any of you reading this have ever felt like you needed permission to feel, and to hurt and to fear… permission granted!! You have my utmost respect and compassion to choose to feel what’s inside of you. It’s time for the double standard in our culture to end.
Please, guys, reach out for help!
Let’s change the narrative. Reaching out for help is badass. It is the opposite of weak. It is something to feel proud of and good about, even if no one in your family or anyone you know has done so.
You might be surprised, if you get the courage to talk with a friend, just how open and understanding they are. You may be a role model, giving them permission to do the same, to end their own silent, inner pain. If they aren’t supportive, just know that they haven’t dealt with their own big feelings inside yet and move on to a better source of support.
Men…is it time to create a movement? Who will step up and begin the change? Inspire communication and connection. Make it a new norm for men to open up and reach out for support. Yes, for sure there are times when we all have to be strong and suck it up, but not at the expense of ourselves. We GET to exist, exactly as we are. In fact, the world NEEDS you just as you are, because no one else on the planet brings the gifts that you do!
There are resources listed on the resource page of my website, https://erikanelson.com/resources/
If you are feeling suicidal, here are some options:
- Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline @ 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
- Call your local crisis hotline number
- Dial 911 if you need to. No, you aren’t wasting anyone’s time by doing so!
- Go to your local hospital emergency room.
- Seek professional help by finding a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist.
Please let yourselves exist, guys. Your hearts are beyond beautiful! ♥
Erika
