What is narcissism?
Where does the word narcissistic come from? The term narcissist originates from the Greek myth about a beautiful, arrogant young man named Narcissus. All the women around him tried to love him, but he pushed them away. He spurned the love of the nymph, Echo. As a result, the goddess Nemesis made Narcissus fall in love with himself. One day he saw the image of his beautiful face reflected in a pool of water. After that, he was unable to remove himself from gazing at his reflection. When he discovered it was only an image and his love couldn’t be realized, he ended his life, or died of a broken heart, as different versions of the story go.
We hear the word “narcissist” thrown around in our society often to describe someone who may act arrogant, think of themselves often, or look in the mirror a lot. Does that mean we’re all a little narcissistic? I will discuss two of the popular thoughts on the answer to that question. Which one is correct? You can decide that for yourself.
Perspective #1 – We all possess narcissistic qualities.
Narcissistic traits run the spectrum from people who may be a little self-absorbed and conceited, to people that destroy other people’s lives. Someone can have slight narcissistic tendencies. It’s another thing, entirely, if those narcissistic tendencies turn dark and destructive.
Healthy narcissism is defined as a positive feeling about the self that is still aware of and respectful of others and the greater whole. This could include healthy pride in what we’ve accomplished, good self-esteem, consideration of our wants and needs, self-respect and self-love. It is normal for children and teens to have a higher level of narcissism, as that is part of their development of a strong and positive sense of self.
The flip side of that is pathological narcissism. This is when the narcissist engages in chronic manipulation and devaluation of the people close to them, leaving their victims feeling worthless, anxious, and tragically, even suicidal. If a victim has experienced trauma in childhood, the narcissistic abuse can retrigger that early trauma and leave victims with debilitating PTSD or Complex PTSD and feeling lost, confused and alone.
Perspective #2 – Only narcissists are narcissistic.
The label of narcissist is reserved for people who destroy other people. This is vastly different than using the word “narcissist” as a societal buzzword to describe those who display behaviors we don’t like or appreciate. The number of victims being harmed or killed by narcissists make it clear that we are not all narcissistic, because we are not all walking around consciously shattering other human beings to get our needs met.
My Thoughts
Looking in the mirror often can be a sign of narcissism, or a sign of general insecurity. Being envious of other people can be a sign of narcissism, or it can reflect a life of lack and the resulting unhealed wounds within. Driving hot cars and maintaining an image can be a sign of narcissism, but it can also be indicative of low-self esteem or general insecurity. There is a world of difference between narcissism and self-centered behavior and I think it’s important to be conscious of how we are using the word “narcissist.” Some may use it flippantly or casually, but for many others, this term describes their nightmare.
There is also a potential danger in labeling seemingly self-centered behaviors as narcissism. When survivors of abuse begin to heal, it is necessary for them to begin focusing on their own wants and needs, possibly for the first time ever, and setting boundaries to ensure they are practicing good self-care. To the people who benefited from them not having needs or boundaries, it can seem very self-centered, narcissistic even, but it is far from pathological.
It goes against everything in me to label things like pride in what we’ve accomplished, good self-esteem, considering our wants and needs, self-respect, and self-love as any kind of narcissism after seeing and experiencing the devastation of narcissistic abuse.
The Facts
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth Edition (DSM-V; American Psychological Association, 2013) that is used by mental health professionals for diagnosing mental health conditions, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
- Grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggerating achievements & talents, expecting to be recognized as superior without earning it)
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty or ideal love
- Belief that one is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a sense of entitlement (unreasonable expectations or especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his/her expectations)
- Is interpersonally exploitative (takes advantages of others to achieve his or her own ends)
- Lacks empathy (is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others)
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him/her
- Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
While this is a straightforward list, the actual reality of the narcissist’s control and manipulation in interpersonal relationships is much more subtle, insidious, and complex than these clearly defined characteristics.
In the DSM-V it is stated that the prevalence of NPD in our population is from 0% to 6.2% in community samples (50 – 75% of whom are men). This is a figure which far underestimate the actual numbers due to the following:
- The narcissist may not believe that there is anything wrong with them and would see no reason to seek therapy. In fact, often they see themselves as the victim, even as they leave a path of destruction behind them.
- Sometimes a narcissist will find their way into therapy if court-ordered to attend or faced with the potential end of a relationship/divorce. Frequently, these master manipulators may try to align with the therapist and turn them against the victim.
- A narcissist may even attend therapy to try and prove they are not a narcissist. There are several issues with that strategy. First, as stated above, the narcissist sees no problem with themselves. As a result, they don’t paint an accurate picture for the helping professional and tend to keep the focus on the victim. In addition, narcissism is most effectively diagnosed from a relational perspective. Until a therapist talks with the people in the narcissist’s life, they may not get a clear picture.
Summary
Narcissistic abuse isn’t straightforward. It is a mind-bending and reality-twisting form of abuse that creates chaos in the mind of the victim. They are not crazy. On the contrary. They are surviving one of the most difficult things they will ever face in their lifetime. Narcissistic abuse can also be an avenue into our greatest healing, bringing to life our deepest, most painful wounds. If we survive the abuse and find the help and support we need, it can propel us forward into a new, soul-driven life.
My book, Brave Love 365: Daily Inspiration, Validation, and Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships, is a helpful tool that offers survivors of abuse the information necessary to understand what they’ve just experienced. In addition, the loving words and inspirational insights included in this book have assisted many survivors in moving forward on their healing journey after narcissistic abuse, while learning to love and be devoted to themselves.
Thanks for reading my blog. Please pass it along if you feel it would benefit someone. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Erika
