Love Bombing – A Narcissist’s Hidden Betrayal

Love Bombing, also known as Idealization, is Phase 1 of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle. It is the initial stage of an insidious, destructive pattern of control and manipulation that the narcissist perpetrates. It’s designed to ensnare victims and guarantee the narcissist a solid, dependable source of narcissistic supply.

Narcissists are masters of seduction.

In the beginning of our relationship with the narcissist, they silently shape-shifted, taking on a false persona that was customized to match our needs and situation. If our prior partner cheated on us, the narcissist assured us that they had never, nor would they ever, be unfaithful. They became the opposite of everything that’s ever hurt us–in essence, our dream come true.

They showered us with affection and attention.

They gave us exciting, expansive, almost magical experiences that we’d only dreamed were possible.

With rapt interest and attention, they asked just the right questions to extract information from us.

They learned our wants, needs, dreams, weaknesses and wounds from the past. The narcissist used this information to understand the most effective way to cement us to them so we wouldn’t walk away when they showed their true colors.

They showered us with devotion, the likes of which we’ve never experienced before–all the while testing our boundaries to identify what they could get away with and how far we’d go to meet their needs.

We gladly went along with almost anything, unwilling to let the “love” we were experiencing slip away.

The narcissist could not maintain this favorable treatment, nor did they want to. It was only a means to an end.

Love Bombing Is The Ultimate Betrayal

The narcissist manipulated us with lies while promising to love us forever. This left us in an extremely open and vulnerable state.

Many of us shared our private, innermost thoughts and experiences with the narcissist after they led us to believe we could trust them implicitly.

Once we were completely hooked on them, the narcissist moved into the next phase of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle–the Devaluation Phase. It was here that the narcissist transformed into someone we’d never met before and used everything we’d disclosed to them against us. Their behavior radically changed, becoming disrespectful and cruel.

In the Devaluation Phase, the narcissist withdrew their energy and gave us less and less as time went on. We were confused and left desperately trying to recreate the beautiful moments we experienced at the beginning of the relationship, unwilling to believe it was all a lie.

We felt certain that if we improved ourselves, worked harder, loved them enough and had just a little more patience, we would be able to draw that goodness and “love” out of them once again.

Unfortunately, after great pain and inner healing, we came to understand that the person we fell in love with didn’t actually exist. It was merely a persona they showed us, no different than an actor playing a role on stage.

Love Bombing Sounds Like…

You’re the only person I’ve told this to. I don’t trust anyone else.

A love like ours only happens once in a lifetime.

We’re soul mates. You’re the love of my life.

You know me better than anyone else.

I’ll never hurt you.

Potential Red Flags Of Love Bombing

Being sleep deprived and exhausted from long, passionate nights together.

Noticing an overall intensity to the relationship that we’ve never experienced before.

Feeling overwhelmed after abandoning our own needs and neglecting our self-care.

Finding ourselves in previously uncomfortable situations, wondering how we’re handling things so well.

Using/abusing drugs or alcohol when that is not in our nature, causing us to be further disconnected from ourselves and our life.

Being contacted by the narcissist incessantly, which keeps us on edge and pulls us away from our jobs, family, and ourselves.

Experiencing high levels of stress as we constantly try to find equilibrium in a situation that is defined by instability.

Feeling seen, heard and known for the first time ever, and believing that the narcissist values us in a way no one else ever has.

Finding ourselves constantly obsessing about the narcissist, unable to focus on what is right in front of us.

Support

If the above red flags describe you or your situation, there are options available to support you at this time:

• Reach out to someone you love, who has earned your trust over time. Tell them how you’re feeling.
• Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline or explore other Resources on this website.
• Take a hard stop. It’s healthy and absolutely okay to take some time to yourself–a week or even a day if that feels too difficult. Reconnect with yourself and your life. Do the things you loved to do before you met this person. Spend time with the people in your life who spark your soul and fill you up.
• Move your body. It doesn’t have to be intensive exercise, although that can be a great release. Sometimes a gentle walk in nature can do wonders to help us recenter ourselves.

If the person we are becoming involved with is healthy and truly cares about us, they will support us in taking care of ourselves. Their response to our request for time and space will be a good indication of who they really are. If they’re angry, judgmental, or do not respect our boundaries (even under the guise of being so in love with us that they can’t stay away), it may be best to close that door and walk away.

Reference/Resource:

Nelson, Erika. Brave Love 365: Daily Inspiration, Validation, and Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships. Inward Press, 2022.

Photo by Roberto Nickson on Unsplash