Cutting ties with our abuser and refusing any contact with them is referred to as “going No Contact.” This is a non-negotiable step that most of us must take to heal from narcissistic abuse and find peace.
Refusing to have contact with our abuser but not cutting ties is called “No Response.” Allowing them to call, text, or message us but not responding is not No Contact. It still keeps us engaged with the narcissist and we’re still feeding them our energy.
Some of us are required to have contact with the narcissist, so we maintain “Modified Contact.” In situations where we share children with our abuser or operate a business together, we set firm boundaries and engage only when necessary. We may even limit our contact to forms of communication that are documented, such as text or email.
We maintain No Contact so that our life becomes a safe space in which to heal. We also maintain No Contact because the narcissist is an expert at manipulating us back into their narcissistic vortex before we even know what’s happening.
Helpful Tips To Maintain No Contact After Narcissistic Abuse
- Block the narcissist’s phone number AND delete their contact information from your phone, or change your phone number.
- Block the narcissist and their flying monkeys (the narcissist’s allies) on social media.
- Create an “I WILL NOT CALL” list. Write out every instance you can think of when the narcissist hurt, betrayed, or abandoned you. If you’re craving the narcissist and want to break No Contact, read through this list to remind yourself of why you need to maintain No Contact.
- Refrain from driving by the narcissist’s home or engaging with them if you see them in public.
- Switch coffee shops, decline social events, or whatever measures are necessary to ensure your safety and maintain No Contact.
- Create a solid support system around yourself. You don’t have to do this alone.
- Continue to do your inner work with qualified healing professionals who are familiar with narcissistic abuse.
If we break No Contact, it’s important to be gentle with ourselves and remember that letting go is a process. If we falter, we can reestablish No Contact in an instant, getting back on our feet and continuing forward on our healing journey.
Helpful Tips To Maintain Modified Contact After Narcissistic Abuse
- Have a neutral third party facilitate communication between you and your abuser.
- Use co-parenting apps, or even a notebook, for communication that is indirect and documented.
- Discuss only the topic at hand and refuse to communicate about anything personal.
- Refuse to discuss parental business in front of children.
- Determine what boundaries work for you. Does it work best for you to communicate via email rather than text? Would it work better for you to change your notifications on your phone and devices so you have control over when you check communications, rather than being bombarded with them whenever your abuser decides to contact you? If you are working through legal matters, it’s okay to set these boundaries and let your legal representative know if you are feeling unsafe in your communication with your abuser.
Sometimes, for our safety and health, it’s necessary to go No Contact with an intimate partner, parent, friend, family member, or even an adult child. This can be an excruciating process. It helps to remember why we’re doing it and that we’re not alone. There are others taking the same difficult, overwhelming self-care steps to gain back their wellness and peace of mind. And, there are many people who have successfully maintained No Contact and have gone on to create a beautiful life they only dreamed possible. You’ve got this!
Resource/Source:
Nelson, E. Brave Love 365: Daily Inspiration, Validation, and Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships. Inward Press, 2022.
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