Brave‌ ‌Love‌ – Alexia’s Journey: A Novel’s Painful Origins

The pattern is set… 

The story starts with my father, who was the first narcissist in my life. After beginning to pick up the shattered pieces of myself that were left in his wake and pulling away from him in early adulthood, I continually gravitated toward yet another narcissist to direct my life and to give me a reflection of who I was supposed to be. Why? I had no idea how to be authentically me. There was no time or space to figure it out, existing in survival mode in an unsafe, unhealthy family. We repeat what we know…until we don’t.

Variations of the pattern…

In my 20’s, I was in a romantic relationship with a narcissist that didn’t end as I had hoped, of course. So, I decided that I would write a book, a romance novel, and create my own ending. 

A decade later, impacted by a spiritual narcissist in my life, I burned the almost completely written manuscript over a campfire. *Sigh*

The one that ended the pattern…

Fast forward some years later, to a reality far, far away from where I live now…I entered my last narcissistic relationship. It seemed like pure magic in the beginning. In the love bombing phase, my new love showed me a life that I didn’t know was possible. He drew out parts of me that rarely felt safe enough to emerge. It was like living a fairy tale, as the red flags zipped by the corners of my eyes that were all-focused on my hopeful new source of love and acceptance. 

As time went on, the mind games and devaluing began, then increased, until I was unable to continue ignoring the red flags and justifying the behavior. My body and soul were screaming for relief. Fearing abandonment though, a theme from my past, I couldn’t yet bring myself to leave. It was the furthest I’d ever been from who I really was, though on the outside I looked successful and incredibly happy. As the pain of living outside of my truth grew, I slowly began to draw back to my center, risking the abandonment I feared. 

In the end, I left the relationship to save my own life and finally exist. I also came to understand that the love and acceptance I was getting from the narcissist was still crumbs. They were the most glorious, beautiful, exciting crumbs I’d ever received, but they were crumbs, nonetheless. 

Now, in a self-created life where I can fully exist, I work every day to give myself the entire cake! 

Brave Love was born… 

When narcissists come into our lives, they unearth our deepest wounds. After years of healing, I now understand that he was never meant to be my “forever love.” The abuse from that relationship mirrored my past abuse, causing me to do a deep dive into the wounds from childhood. This process brought them to the surface to be healed and released, so that I could become the source of my own love and acceptance, finally breaking the cycle.

While in the relationship, I was imploding inside from the pain of the abuse. Impossible to accurately describe in words, I was unable to mentally or emotionally grasp what was happening. It’s a tricky and incredibly destructive type of abuse that is easily justified or overlooked due to the subtle, confounding nature of it, as well as a societal lack of understanding. It was during this time that the story which was contained in my destroyed manuscript began knocking at the door of my consciousness again.

As I stepped out of that relationship, I was unsure I would survive the pain of that loss and everything that it triggered. Shortly after, sitting in a therapist’s office raw and broken, I told her the details of my relationship. She used the words “narcissistic abuse”. I was befuddled. Here I was a counselor, and I had no idea I was in the middle of it. It is a subtle, cunning form of abuse that I learned little, if anything, about in school. I had met my deepest wounds head on, and it was then that I began to acknowledge the cost it exacted from me, on every level.

A solo journey...

In navigating our way through narcissistic abuse, a battle ensues within us that no one else can rescue us from (though others can offer much needed support). It forces us to go inside, dig deep and rescue ourselves. We rumble with the cravings and the gut-wrenching desire to go back, time after time. This is due to the trauma bond created during the abusive cycles, that lives right in the chemicals of our brains. Those efforts are met with the same empty longing, and then the painful reckoning with the consequences of our actions each time. 

The only way out is by loving ourselves enough to embrace those parts of us that reach out for the often familiar, unhealthy connection. As we meet ourselves, embrace the pain we hold and release it, we learn to meet our own needs of love and acceptance. We fill ourselves up. Anything extra from outside of ourselves is a bonus that we no longer sacrifice ourselves to earn.

After the enlightening moment in my counselor’s office, I researched page after page of information and began to identify the patterns common among narcissists and understood that what I had experienced was indeed abuse. I finally understood that though I came with past issues, all the relationship problems were not my fault. I realized that I did have value, even though I didn’t fit someone else’s mold. I was wonderfully and perfectly me!

In that moment, the former novel that I’d written and still carried within me suddenly took on a much deeper meaning and purpose.

Brave Love – Alexia’s Journey took shape…

The phenomena that accompany narcissistic abuse and recovery are talked about and well described, intellectually, in the ever-expanding body of knowledge available. What I was unable to find in my search for information was an illustration of what it looked and felt like in real life. So, I began writing that book – a fictional novel that goes much deeper than a romance novel and encompasses aspects of the journey through narcissistic abuse and healing. 

Brave Love – Alexia’s Journey gives us an inside view of one woman’s process in moving from victimhood to empowerment, becoming a woman who recognizes her value and is no longer willing to shrink or put herself aside to make someone else comfortable.

In addition to being a captivating read, Brave Love – Alexia’s Journey is a helpful tool to bring understanding to the reality of narcissistic abuse and our relationship to it, and to offer victims validation they need and reassurance that they are not alone. In addition, it is also intended to bring understanding and awareness to those people who love and support victims. It can be confusing to understand how the relationship could possibly be so seemingly wonderful on the outside, and yet devastatingly destructive on the inside. This book provides many reference points of understanding and embodies the wisdom of my first book, Brave Love 365: Daily Inspiration, Validation, and Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships.

The first draft of this novel is complete and I am currently in the editing stage. Look for a Spring 2024 release of Brave Love – Alexia’s Journey. Stay tuned here for updates and information.