Devaluation is Phase 2 of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle. In Phase 1, we experienced Love Bombing, also known as Idealization. This allowed our abuser to easily slip into our lives and begin their manipulation and control of us. They showered us with their “love” and opened us up wide in preparation for their devaluation of us.
We entered the Devaluation Phase unguarded, loving and trusting the narcissist completely. One day, though, we noticed things had changed. It may have been glaringly obvious or a subtle realization that things were not the same. The mask of the narcissist’s false persona was slipping, giving us a glimpse under the façade.
Red Flags of Devaluation
THE NARCISSIST MIGHT:
Speak to us in a different tone of voice
Show us less attention and affection
Reveal character flaws we hadn’t noticed before
WE MIGHT:
Feel less special to the narcissist
Question our value and worth
Worry that the deep connection we had is somehow broken
Fear that the narcissist will leave us
Our Reaction To Devaluation
Many of us ignored the red flags we noticed and tried harder to please the narcissist. We believed we were responsible for the changes in their behavior. Some of us even chalked it up to the normal progression of a relationship and kept going.
As the narcissist devalued us, we worked tirelessly to make ourselves better, after the subtle and not-so-subtle cues from the narcissist that we were not acceptable to them in our natural state.
We fought to recreate the “love” we experienced in the beginning of the relationship. We were certain that if we just worked harder, they would love us like that again.
When The Narcissist Dropped Their Facade
As the abuse intensified, the narcissist became cruel and disrespectful, using the tender, intimate details we’d shared about ourselves against us. Suddenly the things they praised us for or showed compassion about initially were unacceptable and we needed to change.
Our reactions to their devaluation—sadness, anger, hurt, disbelief—were great sources of narcissistic supply.
The narcissist isolated us from our support system, making us easier to manipulate. We fell into the narcissist’s version of reality with no reminders of the truth from outside of ourselves. We became dependent upon the narcissist by believing their lies, craving their approval and working to avoid abandonment. Our dependence empowered them, allowing them to control us.
During the devaluation phase, the narcissist returned to the love bombing phase for short periods of time and sparingly doled out crumbs of affection to keep us from walking away and abandoning them. They wanted to remain energetically engaged with as long as we still had energy to feed them. Otherwise, they would have to expend the energy on attracting and breaking in another source of supply. Once we were emptied out and had nothing to offer, or when they got bored and needed a new conquest, they entered Phase 3 of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle—Discard.
Knowledge is power.
Don’t believe the lies!
The fact is, you are and always have been beautiful, valuable, sane, and amazing–a sacred and unique human being, lovingly crafted by your Source and acceptable EXACTLY as you are in this very moment.
Reference/Resource:
Nelson, E. Brave Love 365: Daily Inspiration, Validation, and Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships. Inward Press, 2022.
Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash
