Empower Yourself! – How To Spot Six Narcissistic Abuse Tactics

Narcissists are master manipulators who have a whole arsenal of abuse tactics that they use to obtain narcissistic supply (energy, affection, attention), maintain power and superiority over others, and increase their self-esteem. The following are six narcissistic abuse tactics and what they often sound like.

Stonewalling

The narcissist shuts down and refuses to communicate with the victim, in an effort to control and upset them. Stonewalling often happens when we are trying to confront our abuser about their inappropriate behavior.

“This is your issue, not mine. I refuse to talk about it anymore.“

“Here we go again!” This is often said while throwing back their head and rolling their eyes.

Or, the incredibly painful and deeply destructive silent treatment which can go on for days.

Triangulation

A form of manipulation that the narcissist uses to threaten their victim with exclusion or abandonment. They insert a third person into the relationship between them and us to create drama, insecurity and a power imbalance, giving them the upper hand.

“Your friend looks so hot after losing all that weight.“

“My ex thinks you’re being unfair, too.“

“If only you could only be more like your brother/sister/co-worker, etc…“

Gaslighting

An insidious form of psychological abuse that the narcissist uses to make us doubt our perception of reality and question our mental health.

“That isn’t how it happened.“

“You’re crazy. You need help.“

“I never said/did that.“

Love Bombing

The narcissist showers us with “love” and affection to keep us from leaving them, ensuring that we remain a reliable source of narcissistic supply.

“You’re the love of my life.“

“I’m certain you’re my soul mate.“

“I tell you things I would never tell anyone else.“

Devaluation

The narcissist becomes cruel and disrespectful, using our vulnerabilities and insecurities that we shared with them against us. Devaluation diminishes the victim and gives the narcissist a boost of self-esteem and a sense of having control over the victim.

“You’re wearing that?“

“You’re gaining weight. This is not what I signed up for.“

“I’m tired of dealing with your issues.“

Projection

The narcissist accuses the victim of doing things that they, themselves, are doing.

“Are you going through menopause? You’re such a b*tch.“

“Are you lying to me? Cheating on me?“

“You are the problem in this relationship.“

It’s important for us to remember that narcissists use these abuse tactics for survival purposes and, like a predator in the wild, they are incredibly masterful at doing so. We can have great compassion for ourselves if we were drawn into the narcissist’s vortex and we fell prey to any of these abuse tactics.

Awareness is the first step to change and as we learn more, we are better able to recognize the games and not fall into the trap of manipulation.

Reference/Resource:

Nelson, E. Brave Love 365: Daily Inspiration, Validation, and Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships. Inward Press, 2022.

Photo by Obie Fernandez on Unsplash