How many of us have ever heard or felt the following from others?
How many have ever said these things to others, directly or subtly? (We all have.)
- You’re too sensitive.
- You’re so needy.
- Why are you afraid of that?? There’s nothing to be afraid of.
- Crying is weak.
- Here we go again. Get over it!
- You’re not hurt. You’re fine.
- Don’t feel/think/do that.
- You should be beyond that.
- You’re horrible when you’re angry.
- You are ______________. (fill in the blank)
How many of us have ever said the following to ourselves:
- I’m hopeless. I need to suck it up and be more like other people.
- I have to get my shit together.
- I know I shouldn’t be like this.
- I have to lose/gain weight. When I do, I will wear/be/do something other than what I am.
- Once I’m…..then life will be better.
In my work and in my life, I often come into contact with this invisible, implied and oh so destructive “standard” that lives within us and in our society. To each of the questions and statements above, I say, “Oh really?? According to whom?”
What is the Bull$hit Standard?
It’s an unspoken set of rules, crafted by society and the times, that dictate who or what is acceptable or unacceptable. We often pull it out and use it when something or someone triggers a strong emotion inside of us. The Bull$hit Standard lies in wait, always ready to help us or others relocate someone’s state of being to where we think it should be. This standard is beginning to be dismantled and as more people recognize it, love themselves and refuse to shrink in response to it–demanding the space to exist authentically in this world–the deconstruction will accelerate.
The Bull$hit Standard demands the following:
Don’t be emotional, weak, angry, sad, tired, or resentful. Only have positive emotions. Oh, but don’t be too happy, sparkle too brightly, or have too much self-confidence because you’ll be “too much,” or people will think you’re arrogant. Don’t look different, be different or stand out. Don’t talk too loud, need too much, and for God’s sake, don’t be broken or look crazy, no matter what you’ve been through!
Umm, ok. So, I guess that leaves me unable to exist?!?
We use the Bull$hit Standard when we want to prove our point or exert control. Why?
- Do the feelings, thoughts, needs or wants of another make us uncomfortable because we have no idea how to identify and meet our own, similar feelings, thoughts, needs or wants?
- Is the person we are using the Bull$hit Standard on mirroring something that exists in us, the standard-setters? Something that we don’t particularly want to see?
- Do we want to control others for our own comfort and sense of safety?
- Are we trying to shape the people around us into something we see as acceptable, so we can feel better about ourselves?
- If we can change the person who we think is not meeting the Bull$hit Standard, will it prevent us from having to acknowledge our own needs and from making decisions that bring us out of our comfort zone?
Why The Bull$hit Standard is FALSE
1. Sensitivity is a SUPERPOWER! It is the sensitive among us that are changing the world. Understanding that part of ourselves and honoring it opens up a whole new life.
2. Our emotions are indicators of what is happening inside. Each emotion that we have is there for a reason, and is giving us information that we need to restore ourselves back to a place of strength and peace. When we ignore that, our emotions and/or our bodies will tell us in other ways until we finally listen.
3. Most people have experienced trauma in their lives. It is incredibly destructive for us to assume we know what they (or anyone else) need, without ever having walked in their shoes. Sometimes, what another person is going through makes no logical sense to us, whatsoever, but it is valid and real to them. The biggest gift we can offer is that of our presence and acceptance. If someone you love needs to cry, can you sit with them as they do so? If the limitations that they face as a result of their trauma don’t work for you, do you have a responsibility to set your own self-care boundaries and let them exist as who they are, without expecting them to morph into your idea of what is right? Trust me, they’re doing the best they can with everything extra they deal with every day.
4. Crying is cleansing. Crying is a way to move energy through our bodies. Crying can be a way to celebrate. Sometimes, in my work with people, so much love enters my heart that tears well up in my eyes. What a beautiful thing!
5. Fear freaks people out. For whatever reason, when we see someone else in fear, we want to fix it for them, so they aren’t afraid anymore. In truth, it isn’t about fixing it or making it go away. It is about sitting with it. Embracing it. Allowing it. Then, it will move through us and dissipate. If it is ruling our lives and preventing us from living, it is definitely something requiring further support…but still not wrong!
6. Anger can be a very uncomfortable emotion for people to be present with. Often, we are afraid of our own anger and want to stuff it away, where it festers and becomes rage. Honor your anger. Show your children how to honor theirs. If your anger has become destructive, you must take responsibility to get help so you don’t hurt yourself or others with the built-up emotions.
7. Everyone should be skinny?? Guess what…not every body is built/able to be skinny. Why??
- Stress – When we are stressed, our adrenals are overworked and cortisol levels are high, often causing our bodies often gain weight.
- Healthy Body Size – We are all different shapes and sizes, and all beautiful!! Don’t believe the lie! You’re not too skinny or too fat! Love the skin you’re in!
- Self-Sabotage – When we are taught by sick and untreated people, that we are unworthy of existing, we tend to maintain those inner beliefs. That is why “miracle” weight-loss offerings work for a short time for so many people. We have to release those inaccurate, destructive beliefs for our outer reality to change.
- Trauma – Many people use food to try and recreate the nourishment, love and comfort they did not have available to them when they needed it the most, as a vulnerable child. It often becomes a survival mechanism.
- Hormones – I can tell you that this post-menopausal body of mine certainly can’t kick it into gear and get that extra weight right back off like I used to be able to. Changes in hormones cause many, many changes in our bodies!
So, as you can see, begging, pleading, demanding, reminding, threatening, harassing (ourselves or others) is not productive, supportive and won’t hurry the process of change. On the contrary. What will allow us to heal and become our authentic selves is love and connection, with ourselves and others. Honoring that which is affecting our body size is what matters. And ultimately, accepting ourselves exactly as we are, despite the incessant societal messages we receive demanding us to be a certain shape, is the biggest gift we can give ourselves. Perhaps HEALTHY is a better goal, allowing our body to take its natural shape. Our authentic self is our most beautiful self!
The Cost
There is always a price to pay when we deny our own truth and our needs in an effort to meet the Bull$hit Standard. Some have chosen to end their own lives under the pressure. Many shut off their joy, creativity, vibrancy and die to the truth of who they are.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXIST, EXACTLY AS YOU ARE. Support is available to help you break out of the old, heal the wounds, claim your voice and your rightful place in this world. In fact, the world needs you now – heart, soul and ALL OF YOU. There is no one else on the planet that has the exact gifts and unique traits that you do. We can’t compare ourselves to anyone, because we are all masterpieces, different from one another.
PLEASE, stop and notice when anyone else tries to tell you who you are, how you feel or what your truth should be. Instead, it’s time to approach others and ourselves from a gentler, compassionate, supportive and genuine place–a brave way to exist. What brings us into our true empowerment, is connecting with our inner selves/souls, which in turn connects us to the One that created us, knows exactly how to heal us and helps us create vibrant, nurturing lives. THAT is the only standard we need to go by. As each one of us listens to and truly supports ourselves, our world shifts…
I call bull$hit on the Bull$hit Standard!
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences with The Bull$hit Standard. Feel free to share this blog with anyone you think would benefit from it.
Photo by Zachary Kadolph on Unsplash
