Discard is the 3rd and final phase of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle. First came the narcissist’s overwhelming “love” in Phase 1, the Idealization or Love Bombing Phase. Next, the narcissist began their destructive, mind-bending transformation in Phase 2, the Devaluation Phase. In the Discard Phase, the narcissist ends the relationship either by leaving us, kicking us out, or escalating the abuse so profoundly that our very survival depends upon us leaving them.
Sometimes the narcissist’s discard is temporary and happens many times in a relationship. They pull away just long enough to gain a sense of power and control over us, observing how their abandonment devastates us. Our reaction provides the narcissist with a big dose of narcissistic supply when they’re running low. Some of us took the narcissist’s temporary discard as an opportunity to choose our own well-being by pulling out of that game when we were ready, closing the door on the relationship and locking it tight.
Other times the discard is permanent. Sometimes, after they’ve drained us of our vital energy and inner resources, we’re no longer a quality source of narcissistic supply and they lose interest in us. Other times they’re just bored with us and looking for a new conquest. Or–best case scenario–maybe we’ve learned to set boundaries and practice self-care, threatening their ability to easily obtain the narcissistic supply they need.
After the discard, many narcissists attempt to “hoover” us back in (like a vacuum cleaner), all the way or just far enough to ensure that we’re there as a backup source of narcissistic supply if they’re ever running low with their new source. Sometimes they don’t attempt to hoover us back in at all. Instead, they move quickly on to their new source, seemingly forgetting about us. If this happens, we can honor our pain and make space in our lives to feel it. We can also consider that some people are being stalked or harassed, something that we don’t have to worry about.
After the discard phase, it’s important for us to:
- Go to a place where we are safe—physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you ever feel unsafe, don’t hesitate to call 911.
- Meet our basic needs—nourish our bodies with food and get enough sleep.
- Learn enough about narcissistic abuse to recognize the level of destruction we’ve experienced, while not obsessively gathering knowledge.
- Seek professional help, if necessary, from someone familiar with and qualified to assist with healing from narcissistic abuse.
- Reach out to the support system that we were isolated from in the abusive relationship, or create a new one. Our support team can include family, friends, support groups, telephone hotlines, text hotlines, and community resources (law enforcement, economic support, public health, family services, legal support, child protection, behavioral health, domestic violence support and crisis services). See the Resources page on this website for some options.
- Be extremely gentle with ourselves and recognize that we were taken in and manipulated by a pro.
Being discarded is a traumatic betrayal. Try to remember that you’re not alone. There are others who are grieving and trying to pick up the pieces of their lives and themselves right at this very moment.
You are part of a collective–people who are taking one step forward at a time, pulling themselves out of their old patterns, loving themselves bravely, and refusing to shrink or put themselves aside to make others comfortable.
Reference/Resource:
Nelson, E. Brave Love 365: Daily Inspiration, Validation, and Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships. Inward Press, 2022.
Photo by Yuris Alhumaydy on Unsplash
