The Narcissistic Vortex
From a scientific perspective, a vortex is a mass of swirling matter. Whether it’s composed of air, water, fire, or energy, a vortex’s motion creates suction and draws objects into its empty center.
According to that principle, the narcissist’s inner chaos and insatiable need for narcissistic supply creates a magnetic energy vortex around them. Their seductive words and actions suck people up into their wildly swirling, delusional reality before their victim even knows what’s happening.
The narcissist’s vortex can not only draw us into a relationship with them, but it can keep us spinning even after the relationship ends. When the psychic connection we have with the narcissist is still firmly in place, we continue to feed them our energy. This can happen even if we’re not physically present with them.
Every time we obsess about the narcissist, drive by their house, or look them up on social media we are feeding them our precious energy.
One Survivor’s Story
One abuse survivor talks about the moment they recognized the narcissist’s vortex:
After my relationship ended, I worked hard to heal. My wounds were still bigger than my developing foundation, though, and I decided to give the relationship another try.
After making a conscious decision to step back into the relationship, I instantly felt the chaos of the vortex creep in.
The narcissist’s needs were like a heavy, wet blanket wrapped tightly around me, suffocating me and robbing me of my energy. I was swirling again–a feeling I couldn’t deny.
I ended the relationship and felt the energy shift instantly–my freedom and life force returning.
How We Get Sucked Into The Narcissist’s Vortex
When we finally realized that we’d experienced narcissistic abuse, many of us were dumbfounded. How had we allowed ourselves to go along with the narcissist’s agenda and be part of something so destructive? The following are some explanations of how that happened.
- Skillful, Calculated Manipulation – It’s said that if a frog is thrown into a pot of boiling water, it will immediately jump out, knowing conditions are unsafe. If that frog is instead placed in a pot of water that is slowly warmed up to a boil, unaware of what’s happening, it won’t leave the pot. This is a perfect metaphor for understanding how we–smart, successful, loving, empathic people–got swept up into an abusive relationship and accepted situations and behaviors we never would have prior to the narcissist’s skillful manipulation that drew us in as they slowly and intentionally “turned up the heat.”
- Unmet Needs – A lot of us who fall prey to a narcissist have a history of trauma, abuse, and/or neglect in our childhood and early life. We may not have received the love, respect, devotion, approval, structure, limits, boundaries, and guidance we needed to establish a firm foundation beneath us. Even as adults, many of us are walking around looking for others to meet our needs and to act as our parents were supposed to.
- Empathic or Highly Sensitive People – Many victims of narcissistic abuse are empaths and/or highly sensitive people. Some possess personality characteristics of vulnerability, the desire to please, weakened boundaries, and great loyalty to those we love. These traits show narcissists that we will easily provide them with the narcissistic supply they require, with little effort required on their part. Our sensitive traits and their self-serving nature collide with a bang, pulling us deep into the illusions that fuel their vortex.
Avoiding The Magnetic Pull Of The Narcissist’s Vortex
Whether we are interacting with a family member, friend, potential lover, or boss, the following are some healthy self-care actions we can take to avoid being pulled into a narcissist’s vortex.
Doing our inner work. Once we begin to heal the wounds of the past within us, we become devoted to ourselves and learn to meet our own needs. Then, we no longer look for love or devotion from others. Any extra love or devotion we get from outside of ourselves is a bonus. The lack of love and devotion is no longer a painful need that we work to find others to fill. Our value no longer hangs on someone else’s judgment of us.
Determining our values and setting our boundaries accordingly. We can take time to look back at the relationships that caused us pain. The things that hurt us were the things that went against our values. For instance, if we were in an intimate relationship with someone who was unfaithful, we may find that loyalty, devotion and integrity are values that are important to us. We might set a boundary that makes cheating or even overt, disrespectful flirting an automatic deal breaker in relationships.
Purposely moving slow in new relationships. Narcissists don’t like when things move slow because it takes a lot of energy for them to seduce people into their vortex. If a new relationship is too difficult and requires too much of them (energy, time, patience), the narcissist will likely move on to an easier target.
Looking carefully for red flags. We can walk into new relationships with our eyes wide open, willing to see (as best as we can) any red flags that occur in response to the new person’s behaviors. It’s important to take time to connect with our inner wisdom and truthfully acknowledge what we’re seeing in the relationship and how it makes us feel.
Listening closely to our intuition. It’s important to create time in our life to connect with our inner world, where all of our answers lie. Sometimes we feel a clear warning–a twinge in our stomach or a tight feeling in our chest–and sometimes we have to quiet ourselves to hear the gentle internal nudges from within, guiding us.
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As we heal from narcissistic abuse we progressively create a solid foundation beneath us.
How solid is your foundation at this time? What do you need to further strengthen it?
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Check out Brave Love 365: Daily Inspiration, Validation, and Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships for further information about the narcissistic vortex and helpful tips to heal from narcissistic abuse and set yourself free!
Photo by Benjamin White on Pexels
