What is narcissistic supply?
Narcissistic Supply is the living energy that the narcissist extracts from others, which is used to regulate their fragile self-esteem and to fuel them.
Narcissists are endlessly addicted to seeking narcissistic supply and the people around them function as objects to provide it. This explains why victims of narcissistic abuse are so often exhausted and “emptied out,” their inner resources depleted.
To obtain the necessary supply, narcissists are masterful at triggering reactions in people. Whether positive or negative, these reactions feed the narcissist and let them know they exist.
How does the narcissist gain narcissistic supply?
By demanding that you look or act a certain way so they look better and receive external validation from others.
By picking a fight or blindsiding you with something unexpected that sends you reeling. The energy of your emotional reaction provides supply while also giving the narcissist power over you.
By flirting with other people in front of you in an intimate relationship. This behavior causes you to react and allows the narcissist to control you and the relationship.
By treating one child as their favorite, the golden child, in a parent/child relationship and insisting that you should be more like the favored child.
By dangling a promotion in front of you in a professional setting, eventually denying you the opportunity when other supply is found.
These are just a few of the ways narcissists gain narcissistic supply, but there are many others. They are extremely skilled at getting their need for supply met, since it is a matter of survival for them.
Why does the narcissist need narcissistic supply?
A narcissist is disconnected from their core self—who they really are. This disconnection can happen for various reasons, including:
- An abusive or neglectful childhood.
- Being glorified and treated as the golden child. This is actually a form of neglect as it does not allow a child to be acknowledged and accepted for who they are.
- Learning and embodying the behaviors of their narcissistic caretakers (nurture).
- Being genetically predisposed to narcissistic traits. There may be a genetic link that the narcissist inherits from a narcissistic parent (nature).
Maintaining The False Persona
Whatever the reason, narcissists exile the innermost part of themselves, many believing that who they are is not good enough to be accepted or get their needs met. In response to this belief, they develop a false persona.
In his book, Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited, Sam Vaknin says:
“Normally one’s energy is expended on the proper functioning of one’s personality. The personality disordered devote any shred of vitality to the projection and maintenance of a false self, whose sole purpose is to elicit acknowledgement, attention, admiration, approval, fear, or adulation from others.”
He goes on to say that the narcissist is, “…so exhausted by the unusual need to secure from the outside what most people effortlessly produce internally and take for granted.”
Living from this false persona leaves them isolated from their Source, the living energy that fuels us all. Because of this, narcissists often feel resentful and entitled, believing that others should meet their needs and become their source.
Because they are not being powered from inside, they must do what they can to manufacture the energy that they are missing, causing profound damage to the people close to them. No amount of love or patience from their victims will end or alter this all-consuming cycle of obtaining narcissistic supply.
Finding Sources of Narcissistic Supply
In addition to the energy required to support the false persona, the narcissist must also secure sources of narcissistic supply, a process which requires even more of the narcissist’s energy. This is why they attempt to accelerate the process of bonding with their victim.
They shower their potential new source of narcissistic supply with their energy, affection, and attention, drawing them in deeper until they know their source of supply is secure. Then they give less and less, using their power and control tactics to extract their victim’s energy by triggering and devaluing them. This abusive cycle continues until the victim is depleted, at which time the narcissist moves on to their next source of supply.
Without a steady stream of narcissistic supply, the narcissist may begin to decompensate, falling apart from the inside out. They may experience intense or explosive emotions, psychotic episodes, or even suicidal ideation.
Understanding the mechanics behind the narcissist’s behavior can help plant seeds to set us free.
Resources/References:
Nelson, Erika. Brave Love 365: Daily Inspiration, Validation, and Support for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships. Inward Press, 2022.
Vaknin, S. Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited. Skopje: Narcissus Publications, 2015.
Photo by Julien L. on Unsplash
