Since the beginning of my author journey, I have shared the purpose of my book with many. I’ve been amazed to see the number of people, male and female, that have come forward to say that they, too, have been affected by narcissistic abuse.
When it is happening, we typically feel as if no one else could possibly understand what we’re going through. We become isolated, with our head spinning around this crazy-making experience.
The following are excerpts from a journal entry made by a survivor of narcissistic abuse, offering a glimpse of the pain and distorted thought patterns that can be common in the midst of an abusive relationship.
Tormented
It’s subtle, what is going on inside. It’s a general feeling in the background that I can’t really describe or put my finger on. It is sucking the life right out of me. I’m exhausted all the time. I feel like I am in waiting…waiting for this state to pass. I am forever asking why. Is it something physical? Lack of solid sleep? Is it just emotions working their way out?
You see, in a matter of two months, I will be married and living the life I have always dreamed of. It’s possible that I will have everything I have ever wanted and desired. I guess I already do, but it’s supposed to get even better. I hope so.
I feel like I am in a prison of sorts. I don’t know of anyone who thinks about life the way that I do. Anyone I would go to for help couldn’t really get the whole picture. I don’t even understand the whole picture, which makes it impossible for me to get help. There is so much happening at so many levels. I have so many perspectives that make up my life. How to tie it all together in one understandable bundle? Impossible. Perhaps the only support I need is from my lover. So far it is getting me through.
Am I suicidal? Could I end my life? I don’t think so. I wouldn’t leave my love. It’s all too good. What I might do though, is crumble and really let him know how hard what I am going through is. It seems that things have amped up inside of me 1000x since I have met him. I have learned not to tell him everything that I am going through, or he’ll think I’m weak or crazy. If it got bad enough, what would I do? Go into a hospital? For what? Being an empath? Where do they have treatment for that?
What the hell is IT?????? Why am I so raw and pained inside? What is tormenting me? Is it just my resistance? Is it about me letting go of control?
As an only child, the family system that I was born into was extremely sick. Because I couldn’t shut myself down and be like them, my parents began to find ways to “fix” me. So here I am at age 32, having just realized that I am still living from the perspective that I need to be fixed, that I am the problem, and I am broken. This explains why I am so exhausted. Every moment of every day is focused, in my mind, on how to make myself better and okay so he doesn’t leave me.
In talking with my lover last night, sharing my thoughts, he told me that he understands, but he sees it still taking life away from us. He said there is another side of him that wants to say, “You have a beautiful life and a man that loves you completely. Get the hell over it!”
It stings at first, to hear him say those words, but I realize that I have the same voices within me. I will take a deep breath, stay strong and keep going. I can do better.
Reading this excerpt, we can see just how exhausting narcissistic abuse is. A reminder to anyone having thoughts like this: No matter how it feels, you are enough, exactly as you are. There is nothing about yourself you need to change. There are people who would love you and be honored to be with you, exactly as you are.
Also remember that you are not alone. At this very moment, there are many others pulling themselves out of this type of relationship. Take a risk that you’ll sound confusing and go get support from a healing professional. Especially one who specializes in narcissistic abuse. At the very least, open up to a safe friend. You are figureoutable and you’re a beautiful human being!
If journaling is a helpful tool for you, consider adding the Brave Love Journal: A Journey of Self-Exploration and Healing for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships to your toolbox.
Wishing you strength and peace,
Erika
